It mightn’t be openly discussed, but did you know that it is common to ‘go off’ sex from time to time?
If you’ve been out of a relationship for a long time, you may have gotten very used to living without sex and not feel that it’s essential to your well-being. Alternatively, you could be as frisky as ever and regularly enjoy a sleep-time orgasm.
In this article, we’re going to explore what can impact your sex drive, or libido, and some very easy ways to boost yours.
Numerous factors can affect sex drive and some are more commonly known than others. Although I am not going to provide an exhaustive list, I feel that it’s important to cover at least the top 5 and to dispel some myths surrounding them.
When my clients come to see me, my initial assessment with them includes going through what I like to call the ‘5-M approach’. I do this in detail with them to make sure that we have covered off some of the most important issues.
Then, I usually request that they speak to their GP to have a blood test done to determine a baseline, followed by a suggestion that they have it repeated every six months for comparison.
It is then important to work directly with your health professionals. That way, if anything changes, there’s a clear record of when and how. Taking responsibility for your sexual health and your sex drive is vitally important.
So, what do I cover in the 5-M approach?
‘I’m not in the mood.’ I’m sure you’ve hear this at some point, regardless if it was while watching a Hollywood blockbuster or from a partner just as you were gearing up for a fun and spontaneous sexual romp.
‘I’m not in the mood.’ I’m sure you’ve hear this at some point
This typically happens when your sex drives don’t match or at least align. You are on high sexual alert at any time, any place and your partner might only like sex on Sunday mornings. Or, your partner might see sex as high on the agenda as food, water or sleep, while you enjoy it but not all the time. You just want to cuddle in bed, or watch the newest show, while your partner is panting in your ear.
What can you do about mismatched libido? It’s important to do something, otherwise your relationship will be doomed. A mutually compatible sex life is critical to the success of almost every romantic relationship, regardless if it is long-term or a casual fling.
Okay, so maybe it won’t be doomed, however, it’s still pretty important. So, if you are noticing an issue, don’t allow it to fester before you seek some guidance.
It is important to recognise that mismatched libido isn’t the ‘fault’ of one person or the other. Although the person deemed to have the lower sex drive is often perceived to be the one with ‘the problem’, this isn’t the case.
It is important to recognise that mismatched libido isn’t the ‘fault’ of one person or the other
Sex drive is influenced by all sorts of factors, including genes, hormones, lifestyle, mood and past experiences. Recognising the importance of meeting in the middle so that both partners feel fully satisfied is a win!
It may be that you have never had a particularly high sex drive, in which case it’s important to make this clear to a partner from the start. While many people will find this a major problem, others will accept it and even welcome the fact that they are released from the pressure of having to perform like a stallion on a constant basis.
If, however, your sex drive has taken a sudden or a recent and unexpected downturn, it is worth addressing some of the reasons that this may have occurred for you.
So, if we continue to explore sex drive, there are some more fundamentals to understand.
Your sex drive can ebb and flow like the tide for a variety of reasons
First and foremost, your sex drive can ebb and flow like the tide for a variety of reasons, including stress, fatigue, medication, pregnancy, menopause, previous sexual traumas and hormonal imbalances. Poor diet, working too hard, and dramatic weight gain or loss, can also have major impacts on your libido. There’s even research to support the fact that people tend to feel friskier in spring, on long, light, warm sunny evenings (1). We also feel ‘up for it’ when we’re happy at work and for women, just before our periods
Has your sex life become blah of late? Maybe you’re not putting enough effort into sex. Maybe your partner isn’t putting enough effort into sex. It’s time to communicate your needs and wants, either in bed or just by having a chat sitting on the couch next to each other.
It’s important that your partner is aware of your concerns because the idea is to bring the spark back to your sex life.
It’s important that your partner is aware of your concerns because the idea is to bring the spark back to your sex life
Sometimes we come across someone who has totally different sexual views to us. You might prefer to make love in the evening, under the covers, with the lights dimmed, while making use of couple's toys. Your partner, on the other hand, might want to have sex outdoors, appreciate a little light bondage or ask you to wear a sexy costumes to live out a role play fantasy. All of these issues can often be worked out by simply talking with one another and finding mutual ground.
The tips and tricks for getting in the mood to have sex are fun and exciting. Learn to feel sexy again! Flirt, indulge in your own fantasies and get to know your own body intimately.
Flirt, indulge in your own fantasies and get to know your own body intimately.
Sometimes we lose touch with our own sex appeal and that affects our interest in the bedroom and has a negative impact on our libido.
Buy a decent vibrators, masturbators, or other sex toys and get to know more about your orgasms. It will help both you and your partner, if you have one, to understand the difference between vaginal, clitoral and anal orgasms, and what feels good for you.
Take the time to experiment because the more effort you put in, the more your libido rewards you by increasing!
If medications or life stages, such as menopause, have affected vaginal tissues, resulting in pain during penetration and reduced sex drive, certain toys can help.
In these cases, using a vaginal dilator set, or slim dildos or dongs, can help to gently stretch vaginal tissues to enable penetration without pain. Incorporating a slim vibrator into the routine can also help because the vibrations increase blood flow to the vaginal walls, promoting healing, stimulating nerves and improving lubrication, which then aids in improving libido.
Always use your toy with a water-based lubricant to reduce friction and improve comfort and glide.
Always use your toy with a lube to reduce friction and improve comfort and glide. Don’t forget to sanitise it with toy cleaners before and after use as well.
Good sex has everything to do with relaxation, trust and communication, and much less to do with technical expertise or the stamina and staying power of an Olympic athlete. It also has to do with shared sexual appetites and compatibility outside of the bedroom.
Like a lot of things in life, practice can make a huge difference. Learn to experiment, indulge in your fantasies, initiate sex and make sure that it’s a high priority in your relationship from the outset. And if you’re not in a relationship, prioritise solo play.
The only thing that may be keeping you from having the hot sex life you deserve is a lack of imagination
Remind yourself that pleasure is the ultimate goal and understand that the only thing that may be keeping you from having the hot sex life you deserve is a lack of imagination and a willing partner, acknowledging that may be you!
If you feel your libido is holding you back, this is a great opportunity to book a session with a sexologist or sex coach to explore what else might be going on.